Why HSPs Struggle With People-Pleasing
Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) have the gift of deep empathy. Being constantly aware of others’ feelings has its advantages. And, it can also cause trouble and make HSPs do things like abandon your own needs and fall into a people-pleasing trap. This can push HSPs to say “yes” to everything.
If you’re wondering why HSPs struggle with trying to please everyone, here are three major reasons, and some steps you can take to break the cycle.
Trouble with boundaries
Ultimately, people-pleasing has to do with a lack of boundaries and HSPs often struggle to set boundaries because they’re worried about disappointing someone. Letting someone down can lead to a level of discomfort that causes an HSP to put their needs aside.
Boundaries are something you set for yourself to protect your peace and avoid being taken advantage of. For example: You can’t control what others do (your mom will always ask you to drive three of your cousins home after Sunday dinner), but you can learn to feel more comfortable saying “no.”
Examples of setting boundaries include:
Telling your colleague you can’t use your lunch to help them with a project.
Bowing out of hosting a baby shower when you don’t have the time.
Not going to your aunt’s Thanksgiving dinner because she won’t stop asking inappropriate questions.
If you struggle to turn down offers or invitations because you prioritize others’ feelings, start with small, low-risk moments. Maybe you can’t turn down an invitation to your sister’s birthday just yet, but you can refuse to be the designated driver. That’s what ride shares are for!
Fear of rejection
HPSs may struggle with people-pleasing due to fear of rejection. If you tell your friend you can’t take them to the airport, will they get mad at you? If you say you can’t work this Saturday, will your boss think less of you? Will your “no” affect your future relationship? For those of us who are highly attuned to people’s feelings, it’s tempting to say “yes” to everything to make sure you are seen as useful and wanted by other people.
If you are about to say “yes” to something you don’t want to do, it may be helpful to think in the long term. Ask yourself: “Am I hurting anyone by saying no to this one thing? How many times have I said yes?”
Remember: A friend, loved one, or colleague is unlikely to reject a future relationship with you because of one “no.”
Codependency
When it goes on too long, people-pleasing can land you in codependency with someone. This is a type of relationship where you become so enmeshed with someone else’s needs and desires that you lose sight of yourself.
HSPs may be more prone to codependency because they often try to avoid conflict to maintain emotional equilibrium. In other words, they don’t want to rock the boat. As a result, HSPs suppress their own emotions and adopt other person’s.
If you’re in a codependent relationship, people-pleasing becomes your standard method of operation. It may be helpful to ask yourself questions like:
What would make me happy right now?
What do I need in this situation to feel safe and good?
The Bad Side of People-Pleasing
If you’re a natural people-pleasure, you might think, “What’s the harm?” You’re focusing on keeping people happy - how could that go wrong?
Well, when you’re focusing on keeping everyone else happy… who’s focused on keeping you happy? (Hint: no one). By constantly disregarding your own wants and needs to appease the people you care about, you run the risk of building resentment and ultimately damaging the relationships.
Being a highly sensitive person can seem like a one-way street to people pleasing. However, if you get used to setting small boundaries it will become easier to set big ones later on. To get started, try making a list of pros and cons when you’re deciding whether to say “yes” to something. Small steps can lead to big changes!
If you’re struggling to break a people-pleasing pattern in your relationships, reach out and schedule time to meet with one of our therapists. We understand how hard it can be for HSPs to set boundaries or express their own needs, and we’re here to help!
Photo by Siora Photography @siora18 on Unsplash
