10 Things Not to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving
It’s hard to know exactly what to say when someone you love experiences a significant loss. Our instinct is to say something that will take their pain away. But here’s the thing with grief: the only way through the worst of it is to acknowledge it. While you may be inclined to say things that show your grieving friend some kind of silver lining, that’s probably not what they need.
The best way to support someone in the immediate throes of grief, or the long-term pangs of loss, is to hold space for them to experience their feelings to the fullest. The more you try to take the pain away, the more you may be (unintentionally) hurtful.
If you’re trying to comfort someone in grief right now, here are some tips to keep in mind.
10 things not to say to someone who is grieving
“Well, at least…”: If your friend loses her dad after a long illness, you may be thinking “Well at least he’s not suffering anymore.” However, saying that can come across like you’re minimizing their loss. The same goes for “Well, at least they went quickly” or “Well, at least you got to say good-bye.”
“Be thankful”. This is similar to “Well, at least…” Telling your friend “Just be thankful you had so many years with him” can come across as unhelpful at best or condescending at worst. Yes, most of us are grateful for the time we have with our "person". We don't need to be told to be grateful.
“They are in a better place now.” While that might be true, it is almost like saying "don't be sad." Someone who is grieving has every right to feel however they feel. And, if you don’t know the person’s religious beliefs well, they may not even believe in an afterlife. This could come across as toxic positivity, which is the unreasonable pressure to be upbeat even in the face of terrible circumstances.
“Everything happens for a reason.” Asking someone to have faith in some sort of cosmic order when they’re grieving is unfair. They may not share the belief that everything happens for a reason, but even if they do, they may not be ready to consider that. Let them feel that their loss is unfair.
“You’ll feel better soon.” Hopefully your friend does feel better soon, but you don’t want to put a timeline on their grief. Grief is not linear, so there is no end date. In reality, while the initial shellshock of grief may pass within weeks, the person who is grieving will live with their loss forever.
“Don’t worry, you’ll remarry.” If your friend loses a partner, don’t dangle the possibility of moving on in front of them. Likewise, if your friend loses a pregnancy, don’t tell them “Don’t worry, you can get pregnant again.” It’s important to let people sit with their current loss.
“How did they die?” Don’t ask invasive questions. Let the person grieving share as many or as few as they feel comfortable about their loved one’s passing. Having to relive the specifics can be very traumatic.
“They wouldn’t want to see you like this.” This kind of statement could make someone feel guilty for crying or staying in bed during their grief. People are allowed to have bad days without worrying that their deceased loved one would hate to see them sad.
“Heaven needed another angel.” Platitudes rarely make someone feel better. Even if you know your grieving friend does believe in heaven and angels, your friend also needed and wanted their loved one here on earth. Saying something like this suggests its for the best that their loved one died, which is never a comforting sentiment.
“Call me when you feel better.” You might be intending to give your friend some space, but a statement like this could make them feel like a burden while they’re grieving. It suggests you don’t want to be around them until they’re not quite as sad. It also makes it seem like there is an end date to their grief.
What to say instead to someone who is grieving
Many of the missteps people make when talking to a grieving person are because they are trying to make themselves feel better. But someone else’s grief is not yours to manage or eliminate. The best course of action is to be an open ear and heart for them during this time.
If you don't know what to say to someone who is grieving, keep in mind that less is usually more. Here are some helpful phrases.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I wish I could say something to take the pain away, but I know that this is part of grief.
He/she/they were so special. I know you will miss them terribly.
You were so special to them.
You were such a good daughter/son/friend and I know they appreciated you.
I’m here to answer your call anytime you need to talk.
I know you had a complicated relationship with them. I hope your memories of the good times you shared can bring you some comfort right now.
Grief can be an unexpected and winding journey. The best thing you can do for someone who is grieving is to not put your expectations of the grief process on them. They may handle their loss differently than you have handled losses of your own. That’s okay. Just meet the grieving person where they are and offer as much support as you can.
